Sit Your Ass Down!

I have lived in Ohio ever since I was six years old. So naturally, I love LeBron James.

Okay, I need to apologize. I told a lie in the previous sentence, and I have grown up in a Cleveland suburb since the age of six.

Let's just get this roast started. LeBron James. The "King". Whatever you want to call him. Living only fifteen minutes away, I thought that I would interview him for this article. However, he didn't have much to say. In fact, all I was able to get out of him was "gackkkkk". I'm pretty sure he was still choking from the Eastern Conference Semifinals. But let's be honest folks. If you were in LeBron's shoes, would you have tried in the playoffs? I mean aren't championships just given out these days? Hold on, what do you mean they aren't? Uh oh. Someone better tell him.

As a fan of the NBA, I will admit that James is an excellent player....in the regular season. Come playoff time though the guy has a better vanishing act than Houdini did. Superman took him out last year. The Truth and The Big Ticket stamped his ticket for an early exit this year. LeChoke will be back next year, but if I were him I would try to get the best deal I can on plane tickets. He can book a flight anytime after May 20 though. Not too concerned with him making it to the Finals....and I'm talking about the Conference Finals.

But these recent playoff failures can't be his fault right? Sure Mo Williams didn't show up. You can't tell me that changed the series this past year. The team with the best record for two consecutive years is bounced from the playoffs early in two consecutive years. Not LeBron's problem. Let's fire the coach. He couldn't get it done. Mike Brown was not the head coach of the Cavaliers. King Shame was calling the shots. Mike Brown was a figure head, and anyone who says different is lying to your face.

At least LeBrick is showing some respect for the league that he has in a chokehold though. He's no longer wearing number 23 on his jersey next year in order to honor Michael Jordan. The problem? He's changing it to number 6. Apparently Dr. J isn't worthy of the honor of King Lame. I don't have a problem with a player changing numbers. The best player in the NBA (Kobe Bryant) did it when he stopped wearing 8 and switched to 24. At least he didn't insult our intelligence and claim it was to honor NBA greats. It's a marketing scheme to make more money. Once more, I don't have a problem with it. Just give us a little more respect.

I'm going to have to quickly interrupt this article. LeBron is crying again. It's okay. We all know how to handle this because it happens all too often. Let's just blow a whistle and whatever injury he's acting out will go away. He will then step to the line and make one of two if it's a good day.

Alright now that we have that out of the way let's address LeBonBon's actions throughout the playoffs. A report of him calling John Wall, the point guard from Kentucky, and trying to recruit him for James' marketing agency surfaced right before the playoffs were starting. The playoffs didn't phase The Crab Dribbler though. He was more concerned with the image of his company. Just following in the footsteps of the greatest playoff performers in the NBA. Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant (6 and 4 rings respectively) also wouldn't concentrate on the playoffs right? Hmmm maybe not. Is that how you become successful? Through the hard work that both of these great players have put in? I mean come on, Chris Rock couldn't even break Kobe's concentration in Game One of the NBA Finals Thursday night. If Drama Queen James can laugh so much on the bench when he's chilling with Mo Williams and Anthony Parker, I can only imagine what a professional comedian like Chris Rock would do to his concentration. Shoot the Cavs could have been kicked out of the league by now for their performance if Rock attended Cleveland games. Thank goodness he's a Knicks fan.

Bottom line...LeBron is a good player. He's great. He just doesn't want it enough. He's been coddled by the media ever since his high school years, so he expects success to come his way. Until he matures and realizes that championships are a rarity for a player in this league, he will never be respected on the level that Jordan and Bryant are. So take a long hard look at that limestone sculpture of yourself in front of your house LeBron. Stop with the excuses. Stop with the crying. It's getting old. Put up or shut up. Until then, take your own advice. Sit your ass down.

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